Struggles

The word of the day is Antitype: a noun meaning something that is foreshadowed by a type or symbol. As far as interesting words go, it is not altogether spectacular, but rather interesting just the same.

I know. I'm addicted to words. And books. and writing words, etc. But lately I've been going through a bit of a funk, shall we say. Maybe it's just that I've been marathoning through Gilmore Girls, maybe it's just that time of the semester. I really don't know, but whatever it is, I can't make the words flow. I can't make the stories come to mind like they used to.

I tried doing NaNoWriMo again this month. I got to about the 3rd day. Maybe it was my lack of motivation, inspiration or even the simple fact that I was nowhere close to making my words per day goal, but I gave up. Cowardly of me, I suppose, but I did it nonetheless.

I want to write and make money. And I know that is a crappy goal. A writer writes because they have to, and not because they will necessarily gain anything from it. I know that. And I want that. But right now, I feel stressed about monetary issues.

Maybe I just need to open up and forget about life and just write. The hard part is college is starting to be stressful, as the end of the semester is fast approaching.

I hate all these feelings and jumbled up half-thoughts that don't get completed. Maybe it is a lack of propriety. Maybe I just don't care anymore. That kind of scares me.

Anyway, word of the day, thoughts of the day. I decided I just need to start writing. Journaling. Blogging. Something, anything. And maybe the rest will follow.

Snow!

It snowed yesterday.

For a moment, Chicago was blanketed in white, beautiful and clean and soft. I was ecstatic. My friends thought I was crazy.

Now, I know you may be wondering why I loved snow so much. I often profess that Fall is my favorite season, sometimes an annoying amount of times in a row. And this is true, as a whole, I love the season of Fall, however short it may be sometimes. The colors, the smells, the mixture of warm in my sweater, with a crisp but not cold nip at my nose.

However, the first snowfall never ceases to make me feel like a child. LIke everything is going to be right with the world and I am 6 years old again, without all the worries and responsibilities of adult life. It hit me harder than ever yesterday, perhaps because I have to be so much more of an adult than usual. I'm sure my friends thought I was insane. But seriously, the flakes were huge and it was the perfect consistency for snowball making, although the only place to make snowballs was from the snow on the bridge railing because there wasn't enough on the grass and it melted on the sidewalks. But still.

Besides that, the evening had a very peaceful feeling to it.As Lorelai Gilmore so beautifully tells us, "The whole world changes when it snows. It's quiet. Everything softens." I quite agree. And even though the snow didn't stay around long, and we've yet to have that beautiful Christmasy snow akin to a sort of quiet blizzard, piling inches upon inches in the night, I am still very happy for the snow.

I have also started on my winter/Christmas decorations, i.e. I have been making a lot of paper snowflakes. My roommate, a friend and I sat down sunday afternoon, put on some Christmas music and started making snowflakes. My roommate made one, my other friend made about 5, and I just kept going. Sunday, I made 25. Monday I made 5. THere will most likely be more in the future. But, our room will be pretty. Here are the first 23 of them.

In other news, I want to start vlogging and writing Spoken word poetry, but that hasn't gone so well yet. Perhaps over Christmas break.

Anywho, I have studying to get back too. Hopefully I will have news to post about more frequently. And to all who read this, thanks!

Growing up, moving out, moving on.

There are so many things I'd like to hold onto. So many moments from my childhood that I want to keep with me always. So many thoughts and images and people that I'd like to hold close forever.

I cry every time I hear Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" now because it reminds me that there are things I'm going to have to let go. Relationships I worked so hard on, ways of living that come naturally. Routines change and people part and its hard. It hurts to let go of people I feel I've known my whole life, even though it may be just a few years, because we spent so much time together. but none of us know where life is taking us, and our ways part here. Our paths may never cross again.

I worked out the other day with some new friends. I had a good time, I felt good about myself. But as I stepped into the shower later that evening, it hit me that this is how it was going to be from now on. I wasn't going to run in High School cross country, I wasn't going to have meets and runners high with some of my closest High School friends. I may never run with K, J, or R again. And, quite frankly, that hurts.

As much as I want to be an adult, to make my own way in this world and find out who I am and what I was made for, I don't want to let go of the past. I miss my friends. I miss knowing people, already having close relationships formed. I miss not having to guess if I'm going to say or do the right thing, act in a way that doesn't weird out the people around me.

I don't know what the future will hold. It terrifies me. The life I'm living, the place I am does not feel real, it feels like a game that I'm playing; in a few weeks it will be over and I'll go home. Things will go back to normal.

But that's not going to happen.

I guess I'm just going to have to trust that this is where I'm supposed to be. This is where I was supposed to end up, at least for now. I don't have the whole next year planned out, let alone the next few, and that terrifies me. Everything was always handed to me, someone else was always in control. And now that it's up to me, I that much more scared I'll mess up.

But maybe someday I'll jump, and instead of being pulled back down by gravity, I'll find my wings and fly away into the waiting sky above.

College: Week 1

So, this week I moved to College. So far it's been pretty fun. I've met a ton of people (though, sorry, I can't remember most of their names) and have gotten to do lots of things, with even more to come this weekend. My roommate is pretty awesome, and I feel like I'm transitioning pretty well so far. Although i will say, it doesn't quite feel real yet. I mean, this is only the third day we are here, and honestly it feels like some sort of camp or conference, just one that I hardly know anyone at.
I'm excited though. Classes start monday, and that will be fun and interesting. We have to read a book called "The Book of My Lives" by Aleksandar Hemon, and honestly, I'm pretty excited about it. Yes, I'm a nerd and proud of it.
Anyway, just wanted to post again, and hope I haven't lost my entire following in the last few months. Hopefully I will still have time to keep regular postings in the weeks to come.
As always, thanks for reading!

Kittens.

I have come to the conclusion recently that I am a cat person.

Don't hate me. Just hear me out. And realize that by saying this, it does not mean I hate dogs. I don't. I love dogs too. I just happen to love cats more.

(and if you really and truly are offended by this, I apologize greatly. I will take no offense if you choose to skip this post and move on. Really.)

Honestly, I just love cats. A lot. Dogs are energetic ALL THE TIME (at least mine are), and I can never go anywhere outside without them slobbering all over the place and wanting to jump up on me and sniff me. Cats, on the other hand, are just chill. Mine will be pretty tolerant when I want to pet them, and just kinda hang out with me whenever. The noises they make (meowing vs barking), is much quieter and less annoying. Chloe, my cat cat (not one of the Kittens we just got... hold on, I'm getting there), hardly ever meows, and if she does, it's very quiet. when she wants my attention, she does not run up and get my pants wet with slobber as the dogs do, but rather rubs her soft body against my leg gently.

Recently, we also aquired two new kittens, only a few months old (less than 3, I believe) and they are ADORABLE. I mean really. Just look at them.


Boy Kitty (Shiloh)

Girl Kitty (Misty)

they are soooo cute, and soooo cuddly, and just love to play and explore and wrestle each other and be petted and held like babies.

I just love them, and wanted to share them with you. So, if you love cats or even think kittens kind of cute, you are welcome. That is all.

I will leave you with two more photos though..... :P

life

i just realized it has been months since I posted last.

I apologize greatly.

life has been so incredibly busy lately. I haven't had much inspiration. to do anything. I'm trying to write a book for a contest, but i'ts slow going. and every night is filled with fear and doubt. If i don't get something out of it, is it worth my time? or should I be working on something different that will help me better in the long run?

So much confusion. I've been spending more time trying not to think for fear my thoughts will overrun me. I can't process thing properly anymore. I feel very lost.

maybe I'm just at a crossroads in life, a new chapter, a place where I'm moving on and it's so incredibly different from anything I've ever done that I'm having a hard time thinking about it. accepting it.

At the very same time, this is what i've waited for my whole life. the first step to being who I want to be.

the biggest problem is that I'm not even completely sure who or what that is yet.

so its a process. but hopefully, i'll be posting more frequently.

hopefully.

thanks to all you who read this, even when I barely ever post a thing.

Hello.

Sometimes, it really hurts to say goodbye. We don't want things to change, we don't want things to move on without us. We don't want people to grow without us watching. Simply put, it's sad.

Oftentimes I am hit by a wave of nostalgia. I sit in the car in the parking lot at the University in town and wonder how different things would be if I was going to this university instead of one 5 hours away. I am saddened by the lives that will continue without me there to see. I miss little events and happenings from years ago, I miss feeling a certain way, being able to constantly talk to certain people. I sit and prematurely miss the things that I will miss in 6 months, when I'm off in a different state, learning to be somewhat of a different person.

And I realize that so often we get so caught up in saying goodbye, we forget to really say Hello.

Yeah, It's ok to feel sad, and to wonder how things might have been different. But I find myself dwelling on that, and that's not ok. I need to stop being so wistful, sentimental, and learn to move on, move forward, not be caught in the past.

There are so many great opportunities. So many great things coming up every day, week, month, year. And instead of reminiscing about the past, looking forward to the future is something so often we forget to do. The future is bright. It hold so much. Its dreaming of days to come that so often pushes me forward to keep going strong in this one. So, I need to remember to look ahead, say hello to the future.

There is a time for saying goodbye. But don't get caught in that goodbye and forget to say Hello. Or you might miss something that's waiting for you in tomorrow.

Love you all! Thanks for the comments :)

30 hours and a few dollars

Well, it's that time of year again. The time when I talk about all the great and wonderful things I learned at the 30 Hour Famine this year. How it's making me want to be a better person, and bringing me closer to God and all that.... stuff.

The thing is, none of that is really happening right now.

I mean, yeah. I love that we do the Famine. I love that we are raising awareness and money for hungry children around the world. But too often, I think we forget the core purpose of an activity like this.

We talked about it a little in our group, but to me the concept did not seem emphasized enough.

A fast should not be about the outer appearance, but about the heart. Yes, the purpose of our fast was to raise money, and by doing so we had to tell people "hey, I'm fasting for 30 hours." I get that. It makes sense, given the perimeters and the requirements of the event that this happened.

I think that we got caught up in it, though. We made the fast solely about raising money. Raising money for hungry kids. And I'm not saying that's bad in any way shape or form, but honestly, anyone can raise money for hungry kids.

I feel like that isn't what this famine should be about. This famine should be about trusting God, saying "I am going to pledge these 30 hours of my life to you and your purpose. Do with me and the money I raise what you will."

God will take what we give him and use it for his glory. Whether it is one dollar or ten thousand dollars, he's going to take it and make a miracle come out of it. But he wants more than just our money and our time. He wants our hearts.

If we do this with even the tiniest bit of "look at me, all the great things I'm doing for the world" attitude, our hearts are not in the right place. (I confess to feeling this way, too. I don't want anyone reading this to think I'm placing the blame on anyone else's shoulders. It is on mine too.) I admit, a part of me wanted to act all sad and depressed that day. "I'm hungry guys, feel sorry for me. Oh, and feel sorry for the kids who do this all the time too."
Partway through, I realized that was completely wrong. I don't need to show anyone that I am fasting by any means. Matthew tells us that we are to appear normal in every way possible when we fast, or we are hypocrites. Only God needs to know of our fasting.

Because, like I said before, fasting is about the heart. It's not about the body at all really.

Fasting in the Bible goes hand in hand with prayer quite often. "God is more concerned with our character than our comfort." and when we make time to do fun things with our friends and surround ourselves with others partaking in the famine with us, we lose a little of the meaning of fasting. We lose a little of the character building we need to do in order to truly be fasting for God, to truly be pledging our hearts and our time and our money to him.

Don't get mad at me, I understand why the famine is done the way it is. But it has become something that we see as true fasting when it's not. I mean honestly, can any of us who have done the famine truly say we have fasted? I'm not sure. I know I haven't. Because try as I might, I want others to sympathize with me during that time. I enjoy hanging out with our church group because it 'gets my mind of my hunger'. And that, my dear friends, is not true fasting. At least I don't think it is, not the way God wants it to be. We should be reading our Bibles and praying when we get hungry during a fast. So that our hearts will grow closer to God.

I know this post is kind of ramble-y. and maybe a bit hard to follow. I'm having trouble connecting and polishing my thoughts tonight. I hope it made sense.

Let me know what you think of all this. I hope I at least caused some thoughts to tumble in your heads.

Thanks for reading.

Stories Around Us

Everyone loves a good story. From little children in the library at story-time, to elderly people reminiscing of the "good old days", stories are to hear and be told. Books, movies, gossip, you name it, our lives are filled with stories. And the beautiful thing is, we all have one. Everybody has a story to tell, whether they realize it or not.

Anyone who knows me even a little knows that I love to read books. I have been a reader since I knew how, and almost feel lost if I'm not in the middle of one. SOmetimes this confuses people. But, since I'm not really one for gossip and I don't watch a whole lot of TV, this is how I personally get my story fill. CS Lewis even said, "We read to know we are not alone." This statement pretty much captures the entirety of why I read. So I know I am not along. In other words, someone else has thought about these things. Someone else has wondered this, gone through this, been curious about this. Someone else cares enough about this topic to write about it. So why not read it?

But people don't seem to see the stories around them. We float along in our own little world, creating our own words for our own black book, and forget to notice what is around us. Somehow, we each see ourselves as bigger, better, and more important that the rest of the people we see. And because we fail to notice the others around us, we tend to blow them off, to ignore what's inside, to push them away and focus back on ourselves again without even realizing it.

When are we going to stop and realize that we are not the most important people in the world? When are we going to forget about ourselves and start loving our neighbor? Jesus calls us to love those around us, to not judge lest we be judged. And yet gossip still floats, judgment still lurks, and lives are still hurting.

I'm not saying we can fix it all. I'm not trying to be judgmental toward those who are. But I want to know that there are other people that see this hurt like I do, and want to try and change even a little bit. There's a saying (you've probably heard it) that says something about not really knowing a person until you walk a mile in their shoes. That saying didn't get popular just because it sounded cool, it became well known because it's true. Until you've learned even a little about another person's experiences, until you can identify with them even in one small way, there is no hope for you to ever understand them, to ever see past the facade we all tend to wear. Until you know the trials they have encountered, you are in no position to judge them. And often times, you will find that when you do hear their story, you will no longer want to judge.



Part of the reason I want to be a writer is bring stories to light. Yeah, sure, I want to make some up, write novels or whatever, but I also want to tell stories. Tell of experiences I have encountered, tell of experiences others around me have encountered and shared with me, so I can share it with the world. Because words are powerful. And I want to use them to let others know they are not alone.

So stop thinking of only yourself, of making your story. Find someone who wants a listener for theirs, and see what God will teach you through the stories around us.

Taking Christ out of Christianity (Part 1?)

It's something I've struggled with for a very long time: Calling myself a "Christian". Not that I don't want to follow God, quite the contrary. But because of the way society thinks of and views Christians in todays day and age makes me want to think again sometimes.

See, we've turned Christianity into a religion when it should be a relationship, a lifestyle.

Let me explain.

Wikipedia defines religion as "an organized collection of belief systems, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to spirituality and, sometimes, to moral values." Dictionanry.com includes "usually involving devotional and ritual observances," and "a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects". In short, religion is a bunch of rules and practices that follow faith.

I'm not saying any of this is wrong. It can be quite good, if done correctly. The problem is, most of us don't do it correctly.

God commands us to love him. And yes, I know the argument could be made "Well, that's just another rule!" but really, it's more of a lifestyle.

Matthew 22:37-39 says “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."(HCSB) And what does it mean to love? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us: "Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

Wow.

This sounds like a whole heck of a lot more than just a bunch of rules and rituals to me. Being a Christian means so much more than going to Church on Sunday and sometimes Wednesday, praying when it's convenient or when we want something, and reading the Bible when it's convenient or when we want something.

Loving someone, loving God, means giving of yourself. ALL. THE. TIME. Giving up your desires and wishes and submitting to God's plan. Giving up your desires and wishes so you can help a friend, an neighbor, a brother. Telling the truth when it's hard, and striving for righteousness.

I was reading in Proverbs 11 the other night, and I was struck at how many times the word "Righteousness" came up. We are called to live righteously. The Merriam Webster dictionary defines righteousness as this: "Acting in accord with divine or moral law. Free from guilt or sin."

Free from Guilt or Sin.

Only GOD is free from guilt and sin completely. But he promises to take that away from us if we follow him. If we believe him. And if we LOVE him. Wholeheartedly. You are either all in, or you aren't. Besides, I think if you start Loving God, loving him the way Matthew 22 and 1 Corinthians 13 tell us, all the other stuff will follow. Everything else, all the other rules and regulations will start to come easier. It won't be completely easy, it never is. I'm not saying that. But God will help you, and you will find yourself doing the rest of the "religious" stuff.

I'm not there yet. I don't want anyone to read this and think because I'm saying this, I've achieved it. I haven't. I don't even know if I ever will, if it is possible in this lifetime. But I want to strive for it. I want to be a disciple, a follower of Christ and his teachings, not a Christian who defines herself by rules and rituals. Because even the Pharisees stuck to the rules, but they got it wrong because they lived without showing love. Shouldn't that be a bit wake up call for us?

The best part about all this is the God is Love. And if you love him, He will love you back. (I know, he already does, but that's not the point.)

Strive to love. Strive to live like Christ did and taught, not how the world teaches.





Let me know what you think of all this! Leave your comments below. I may be posting more under this topic in times to come. If you think I have something wrong, or want me to expand in an area, I would love to know your opinion and try to help you out! I don't have all the answers, but I'm willing to try and find them. :)

A Photo Post.

Hey Everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been so busy with finals and college visits and school and everything else that time has kinda gotten away from me. But today, I want to share a few photos from the last few months with you, just for fun. So, lets get started!

First, the headscarf. I found this on pintrest, where how to tie a scarf around your head for a headband. So, I tried it one day just for fun.

Next, we have some writing time. My cozy little nook is not complete without tea (chai) in a cute (homemade) mug bought at a craft bazar, equally adorable coasters with pieces of maps on them (also from the bazar), spice cookies, homemade muffins, and of course a journal and pen. :)

Beautiful sunsets are always a must...

Then we have this little guy that I put together for a secret santa gift. I found the reindeer, and wrapped up reese's peanut butter cups into packages. Santa's little helper was ready to go!

The cat: her favorite and second favorite spots. She loves to sit on the grill and looks inside, but it's through the back door when it's time for food.

A large, empty cello case makes the perfect storing spot for those wrapped up presents before they are taken to the tree.

Under the tree! :) My sister wraps the cutest little "brown paper packages".

More recently, on my college visit trip to chicago, i took some sunset photos. They all turned out blurry because we were in the car, but I think this one looks really neat. However, it rained pretty much the rest of the weekend, so I didn't get many other photos. But here is this one! :)

Hope you enjoyed these! Hopefully, I will be putting up more words and pictures soon, so keep watching!

Childhood.

Today is the last day of my childhood. I have been alive for 18 years.

Yikes.

I don't know why I'm finding it to be a big(ish) deal. It really shouldn't be. Its another day. But at the same time, a new season of my life is opening. Like I mentioned in my last post, this is a year of changes. And tomorrow is one of them.

One of my new favorite songs (given to me on a mix cd recently! yay!), is Dream by Priscilla Ahn. Here is the first bit:

I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
And fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
And laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest tree.
I had a dream.


I think I like this song so much because I identify with it. The first stanza makes me think of all the times my best friend and I made fairy houses out of bark and twigs and leaves and grass and pinecones. Sometimes I want to return to those days and never leave.

The first chorus makes me think of swinging under our deck when I was young. I would close my eyes and tip back and pretend I was flying. It was glorious. And I miss it.

The second stanza makes me think of camp. Kids camp, youth camp, you name it, but I loved walking through the wooded area, canoeing and tubing down the river. Spending time with my bestie, walking through the dark and figuring out the meaning of life by the "Narnia ruins" and the spring, in the afternoon and during night games.

And the last chorus makes me think of climbing trees. Even recently, I have climbed a tree in our backyard. From it I can see the road and the fields. I sit up there and think, and sometimes wish I could fly away.


I think sometimes we forget to take joy in the simple things in life. We forget to live as little children, flying on swings, imagining creatures and worlds that exist with our own, talking about anything and everything all the time, climbing trees and just sitting. We get caught up in our everyday routine and forget that the beauty of these small wonders. Little things that make such a difference.

As I step into my adult life, I wonder who I will become. I wonder what sort of things I will do, where I will go in life. I want to accomplish many things. I want to be a better person, live for God. learn to love God more. I want to be more responsible and display more maturity. But even as I make this transition, I want to remember to take time to live like a child. To take time and swing high, climb trees, and make fairy houses. To play pretend and walk in the woods aimlessly, for no purpose than my own satisfaction. To sometimes set everything aside and forget about it for a while, not worrying about anything.

I want to never lose that childlike spirit, even if my childhood is behind me.

I want to keep dreaming.

New Year Resolutions (and other fun stuff)

So, its the new year. the big 2013. It's going to be a pretty big year for me and my family, so hang onto your hat, everyone, cuz this little girl is ready to rock.

To start it all off, I'm turning 18 this year (in 3 days! Eeep!). Then, I'm graduating from High School, and heading off to college (where is still unknown, but hopefully not for long!). My sister will also be transferring to a new university, leaving my parents 2 for 0 pretty quickly.

So much is happening, and I can't believe this year is here! Everything seems to be happening uber fast these days. I feel like just yesterday, I was a scrawny, little, 12 year old kid, headed to my first day of 7th grade (and public school), extreme tomboy with an awful haircut and weird ideas about the world. Back then, my biggest wish for my birthday was to get a skateboard and a cardinals cap (both of shich I received), and I didn't ever think i would like to wear dresses. Ever. (much to the dismay of my girly sister ;) )

I am, however, thankful that I have changed since then. I ditched the only-t-shirts-baseball-caps-and-boy's-pants style (for the most part; b-ball shorts are really comfy for lounging sometimes...), grew out my hair, got bangs, and decided that skirts and dresses are not all that bad. I expanded my style, and even left behind ideas of becoming an engineer (what was I thinking?!?), and decided I liked english much better. I started wearing more flannel and plaid and sweaters and thrifting and drinking hot drinks from mugs and listening to indie music, and overall just exploring ways to grow and just be me. (photo cred. (for both haha, but mostly the bottom one) to my amazing sister)

But sometimes I still feel like that insecure little girl that awkwardly made her way through life, not really sure what to expect. I'm getting better at it though. :)

Anyway, this post was supposed to be about my new years resolutions (and it is quite a list), so I guess I should get onto some of that too... here we go:

-Write something (journal, blog, part of a book, a poem etc.) every day
-Read the Bible more often (like every day often, I've been slack on that)
-Practice music (violin, piano, guitar, cello, voice) with purpose. Aim to improve.
-Study more effectively. Stay strong on the last semester of high school (!!!!)
-Learn to do some new, fun hair-do's
-Learn to knit, crochet, sew, etc. Make things!
-Cook more
-Drink more tea :)
-Keep room cleaner and more organized!
-Clean out all the unneeded JUNK (in my room, etc.)
-Obtain a new wardrobe (ie get rid of stuff I don't wear, and find more hipster/indie/boho clothes) Find my own style
-Find 1 thing to be thankful for every day and WRITE IT DOWN! (In my journal. this does not count for daily writing)
-Find a flaw to work on/ improve/ keep improving every day, also journal about it
-Talk to Jesus often
-Be a better friend, and work on better social skills/small talk skills.

Thats all I could think of for now, but I'm sure there are more things I will find to do with my year ;) haha. anyway, thats all for now, I think, so enjoy the rest of your break (those of you that don't go back to school tomorrow, like me :( ) and I look forward to more blogging this next year. Much love, everyone!