Walking

This has been one of the hardest poems for me to write to date. I went on a writing retreat this past weekend, and at the end of our time there, we had to share something we'd written. I tried for almost two days straight to get this poem to come together, and it simply wasn't working. For being on a writing retreat, I think I wrote less than I ever have in that amount of time, considering I set out conciously to write. It still doesn't feel completely finished, but here is a poem about walking. Enjoy.

I tried to write a poem about walking:

How my mother used to tell me not to scuff my feet;

How my sister walks so firmly that

I learned to walk lightly instead;

How my father has long legs and doesn’t mind being almost late;

How I have short legs and learn to

Walk fast because I’d rather be too early;

[I tried to write a poem about walking]

But my pen couldn’t translate

The memories from my mind

I tried to write a poem about walking:

The way I never notice the earth moving beneath my feet,

An act too undemanding and commonplace

To be celebrated regularly, even by recognition;

An act so purely physical

It doesn’t expect a description;

An act so simple, it never asks for an audience

[I tried to write a poem about walking]

But the more I walked,

The less I thought about walking

I tried to write a poem about walking:

Remembering places I have gone

Experiences I’ve been allowed,

All because I can walk.

My mind filled with memories of conversations

Walking has been a way to experience:

Traveling (across cities and countries)

Growing friendships, (new and old)

[I tried to write a poem about walking]

And I forgot again to be grateful

That I have able feet

I tried to write a poem about walking.

And it didn’t turn out.

And it didn’t turn out.

And it didn’t. Turn. Out.

So I wrote about writing about walking,

And it turns out,

I wrote a poem about walking anyway. 

~C.R. Sutton

(original post)

Friends.

(originally published here)

 I am bad at communication.

Well, verbal communication, anyway. Perhaps written communication too, I'll leave that decision up to you. When it come to verbal, however, I know I keep getting it wrong.

I find it difficult to express myself sometime, to put into words the thoughts and feelings I have. Often time that means I'm not able to say everything I mean in the way I want too, maybe even leaving out important bits because I try to improvise.

Improvising and me do not go together well.

I think this is why I prefer writing, unless I really know the person. With writing, I can edit. I can go back and find the words I really want to use, words that truly express how I'm feeling. I can tweak and fiddle the words until it sound just right. With speech, I bumble over my words, and when I try to go back and fix it, I end up sounding silly and stupid. Which brings me to my next point.

I'm bad at relationships. Friendships, mainly, as I've never had any other kind. I had a discussion with a new acquaintance (someone I hope can still be a friend) recently, and failed to say what I truly meant and felt.

Later, I journaled about it, and found I had a much better way to say what I wanted.

The discussion, ironically, was about friendship. I stated that I don't have or even need tons of friends because I find it hard to manage them all (and here, I really mean "close friends", but that also wasn't specified). I best connect with people emotionally, and once I get to a certain point of investment, I don't want to let that friendship go. However, in that conversation, I made it sound like I would rather not be friends with someone if I know we aren't going to be friends "literally forever".

What I really meant, though, is that it's hard for me to let frendships go, and I tend to hang onto them long after they are over, even if that's not healthy for me.

But I'm learning that sometimes, you are meant to be friends with someone for only a season of life. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends at all, though. That means you have to learn to enjoy that time, connect during that time, and accept that you cant be friends with everyone for the rest of your life. it would be much too emotionally exhausting, and simply wouldn't work.

I'm still working on this. It's still hard for me to make friends because I know that I can't keep all of them. But that doesn't mean I don't want them. I do.

So, if you want to connect with me emotionally, for a month, a year, or a lifetime, please don't hesitate. I'll be forever grateful you came into my life, for as little or long as you did.

(Just remember that I'm awkward and don't talk a lot at first. I want to connect with you. I'm just bad a communication. I'm trying, but I just need you to meet me halfway.)

Thanks for reading! Leave your comments below, I'd love to hear from you! :)

and over again

(taken from my other blog)

Back at school, another year of college underway. And with it, two major questions that have me panicking in my bed at night. (That might be a little dramatic. Though I did panic a little last night. and I do think/worry about this a lot.)

Firstly, everyone keeps asking me, "What are you planning on doing after you graduate?" Of course, I have the standard response in my back pocket, that I whip out with ease, nonchalant and painlessly responding, "Oh, I'm not quite sure yet. I'm still figuring it out."
The response is always the same. "Oh, that's OK. You've got time."

Yes, I do have time. Some time, but honestly, not a lot. Sure, 3 years is time to figure some stuff out, but I know now that once the school year really gets going, I'll be swamped with tons of things. It will fly by, probably faster than last year, which ended a little too quickly, like a favorite childhood roller coaster (or waterslide) that used to last forever and now passes in the blink of an eye.

read full post here. 

How I Met Your Mother…. And Ruined A Television Series

[Spoilers. Duh.]

One of the biggest flaws in Television writing history happened with the How I Met Your Mother series. The finale sucked. It ripped apart years of character development and story lines and lessons learned. It degraded the female characters to mere plot devices, right down to Barney's baby girl, and many other things.

But we will get to that.

I first watched HIMYM way back when I got my first iPod and Marsall and Lily's wedding episode came with it, complimentary. I knew nothing about the show other that those 25 minutes for years. And yet I loved it enough to watch it on that tiny 2x3 inch screen multiple times. I loved the characters, their relationships. And then, 10 months ago, I started watching them all, from the beginning. I marathoned through it (don't judge me, I'm young. 10 years ago, would have been much to young to be watching a show like this). I watched the whole last season as it aired, eagerly anticipating Ted meeting her for the first time.

And then, 5 minutes after he does, they kill her off and send him running back to Robin.

Don't get me wrong, I love Robin. She was possibly my favorite character the first time I watched it. She is funny, unconventional, strong, smart, and goes after her dream. The writers made it clear in the first few seasons that Ted and Robin are not right for each other. Not even just because they met at the wrong time in their lives, but because they want different things. And yet, despite all that, the writers knew from the beginning that they were going to end up together (at least according to the show. I'm still in denial). They filmed the final scene with the kids early on (end of second season i think i read) which is quite possibly the stupidest thing ever done.

I get it. They thought that the show wouldn't last as long. And maybe if it hadn't, if it had only run 3 or  4 or even 5 seasons, that ending would have made sense. That's fine, they prepared for it if it turned out that way.

The problem is, it didn't turn out that way.

They had a plan, but plans change. Writers always talk about the characters directing the story, and I totally agree with that theory. Sometimes you, as a writer, want one thing, but the way the character is just begs something else. With 9 years of character buildup, and story and letting go and learning lessons, an ending that was planned at the beginning simply does not make sense.

I read a lot of good points on tumblr tonight, about how the mother is reduced down to her utuerus to give Ted the kids he wants, and how Robin and Barney's beautiful relationship about two broken people coming together was ruined because Barney couldn't truly love until he had a daughter, therefore degrading Robin's inability to have children, and Lily and her feelings were pushed aside pathetically.

I could rant forever, especially if I could remember what those people said. Rather, I think their words are better, so I'll give you the links here and here. The first is a bit long, but both are important, I think.

And then the mother. Tracy. We barely even know her name before she dies. And though this whole thing may be a part of Ted letting her go, I would just like to point out the only a few episodes before, he let Robin go already.

The mother is perfect for him. We've known that through many hints over the years.  She deserves so much more credit. The show is practically named after her. She deserves to be loved. They changed the intro for an episode for her. They didn't have to do that and the show wouldn't have suffered, considering the carnal damage caused by the last episode.

I read a post stating you could watch the Pilot and the Finale and not miss a thing. and I think that's a very good point and a very terrible way to write a show.

As a writer, I think this sucks. Maybe you planned it this way, but you owe it to the character development to change it to fit them. You owe it to the fans that want so much more. you had great opportunities, and you screwed it up for a plan, probably made after 2 am, more than 8 years ago.

It's late. I need to go to bed. But I needed to rant my feelings. Have a good night, everyone.

Worlds Apart

posted a poem on my other blog tonight. It is called Worlds Apart and you can find the whole thing here.  The first bit is as follows:

She sat on a chair in

The hospital waiting room

Hoping for good news,

Two seats away from where he’d been

Only an hour before

And he stepped into her favorite

Coffee shop to get out of the rain

Buying the drink she always bought

On Thursday afternoons

Hope that intrigues you enough to go check it out!! :) 

Dual Blogship.

I have another blog. A darker, slightly more depressing blog. I don't know if I will eventually pick one of the two or not, but for now there are two.

anyway.

I posted a strange, ramble-y, nonsensical post tonight.

Do with it what you will.

Don't feel obligated to read.

Morning thoughts.

( http://whitepaperquotes.tumblr.com/post/25900799294 )

I found this on tumblr this morning, and felt very connected to the person that posted it. THis is the life of an introvert, right here. Yes. We like being alone sometimes. More often than not, I find myself wishing for the comfort of my bed and my headphones and a book and peace and no one else. Even if I am having fun with my friends. Even if I am enjoying and evening out or an afternoon talking with someone, more often than not I need time to myself to counterbalance the time spent with them. It's hard to explain to most people. Being alone in natural and healthy for me. For my mental and emotional health.

But I don't want to always be alone. I want to spend time talking with friends over burritos or coffee. I want to hang out and play card games or go on a walk. I want to chill with you in my room and talk about boys. I don't want to be alone forever. I don't want to be lonely.

It's a constant struggle in my life, managing alone time and time spent with people, getting others to understand that if I excuse myself from joining you, it doesn't mean I'm sad or don't like you. It doesn't mean I won't ever come back and join you again. It just means that I need some time to myself to process my day, my interactions, my thoughts. I cannot say this enough, because still there are people who don't get it. There are still people that say, "oh, I understand", but when the time comes are hurt or confused as to why I'm leaving. Why i don't want to watch that movie with you tonight, sorry. Why I would rather sit on my bed by myself than join you for a game.

I want to tell you that it is OK. It is ok, if you are the introvert, to leave when you are feeling overwhelmed, over stimulated, etc. And it is OK, if you are the extrovert, when the introvert leaves. They don't hate you. They still want to hang out with you sometimes. But they need time alone.

Just never leave them alone forever. Keep asking if they want to join. Respect them if they say no. Try to understand their needs. And never let them feel lonely.

Because for an introvert, loneliness can be catastrophic. It is harder for us to go out and make friends (or at least harder for me). Loneliness is difficult to combat without good friends. Introverts like small groups of friends, but if they can't find those friends, there is nothing to do but sit and wait for one to show up. The pressure of hanging out with larger groups of people who don't understand, just to not feel lonely is great sometimes. And if i do hang out with them once or twice because we are acquaintances and I don't want to be lonely, I feel bad later when I don't hang out with those people much any other time. It's a vicious cycle that cannot be fully explained unless you live it.

I guess I'm rambling. I don't have any facts, all of this is from my own personal experience. I just cannot try to explain the life of an introvert enough, because many people still don't understand. I know some never will, but if even only a few can, that would be wonderful.