Friends.

(originally published here)

 I am bad at communication.

Well, verbal communication, anyway. Perhaps written communication too, I'll leave that decision up to you. When it come to verbal, however, I know I keep getting it wrong.

I find it difficult to express myself sometime, to put into words the thoughts and feelings I have. Often time that means I'm not able to say everything I mean in the way I want too, maybe even leaving out important bits because I try to improvise.

Improvising and me do not go together well.

I think this is why I prefer writing, unless I really know the person. With writing, I can edit. I can go back and find the words I really want to use, words that truly express how I'm feeling. I can tweak and fiddle the words until it sound just right. With speech, I bumble over my words, and when I try to go back and fix it, I end up sounding silly and stupid. Which brings me to my next point.

I'm bad at relationships. Friendships, mainly, as I've never had any other kind. I had a discussion with a new acquaintance (someone I hope can still be a friend) recently, and failed to say what I truly meant and felt.

Later, I journaled about it, and found I had a much better way to say what I wanted.

The discussion, ironically, was about friendship. I stated that I don't have or even need tons of friends because I find it hard to manage them all (and here, I really mean "close friends", but that also wasn't specified). I best connect with people emotionally, and once I get to a certain point of investment, I don't want to let that friendship go. However, in that conversation, I made it sound like I would rather not be friends with someone if I know we aren't going to be friends "literally forever".

What I really meant, though, is that it's hard for me to let frendships go, and I tend to hang onto them long after they are over, even if that's not healthy for me.

But I'm learning that sometimes, you are meant to be friends with someone for only a season of life. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends at all, though. That means you have to learn to enjoy that time, connect during that time, and accept that you cant be friends with everyone for the rest of your life. it would be much too emotionally exhausting, and simply wouldn't work.

I'm still working on this. It's still hard for me to make friends because I know that I can't keep all of them. But that doesn't mean I don't want them. I do.

So, if you want to connect with me emotionally, for a month, a year, or a lifetime, please don't hesitate. I'll be forever grateful you came into my life, for as little or long as you did.

(Just remember that I'm awkward and don't talk a lot at first. I want to connect with you. I'm just bad a communication. I'm trying, but I just need you to meet me halfway.)

Thanks for reading! Leave your comments below, I'd love to hear from you! :)