Small Talk

I am not blessed with the gift of small talk.

Some people can float in on a cloud of good graces and know just exactly what to say and how to say it. Not me. I stumble through introductions and formalities, struggling to find the right words. Once the initial introductions have been made, I am at a loss for words, and my mind goes blank, as if someone had clicked the erase button on my hard drive.

If I can think of something I can say, I instantly disregard it as silly, trivial, or downright inappropriate for the present conversation (or lack thereof) and thus begin to panic that I cannot say anything appropriate. My train of thought spins round in circles, feeling more like a merry-go-round than a train. I stand there torn between saying something and making myself look like a fool, or not saying anything at all, until a sufficient amount of time has passed to make me look foolish anyway. My brain then begins to over-analyze the situation, and inwardly my panic rises even more, as I am sure the person I am supposed to be conversing with thinks I am uncivil, stupid, or stuck up, when really, I am just tongue-tied. I am sure they hate me. I tend to mumble something hasty and probably callous, then quickly take my leave.

I am not proud of this feat.

I do not want to be considered stuck up because I did not greet a classmate upon my entrance to the classroom right behind her when she was the only other person there at the moment. I simply could not think of anything appropriate to greet her with.
"That color looks great on you. I love green sweaters," probably would have been just fine. The simple statement had the audacity to not enter my mind until an awkward amount of time had passed however, and I felt insecure saying anything at that point. So I sat in my seat and felt silly and foolish and, yes, a little bit like she thought I was stuck up.

I want to be able to apologize for my strange attempts at smalltalk, or my silence when words would be more appropriate. But how do you walk up to someone and say, "I'm sorry, I am really bad at small talk. So this is my attempt...." and then go on to say whatever else I am thinking at the time? It just sounds a little funny to me.
The biggest problem is that I want to talk to people. I want to be able to converse on a daily basis with others. However, unless that initial hurdle, the small talk hurdle, is jumped, people seem to think I am equally strange for presenting my big ideas, all the thoughts that happen constantly in my head, right away.

It seems that small talk is the only way to make friends, anyway. It is the logical place to start; it is the only place to start, really. But unless I already know someone, for some reason, or we have something quite obviously in common (like running cross country or playing the violin) I simply cannot take that step and start a simple conversation. Parties are dreaded for me unless I know I can spend the night with one or two people I already know.

I want to fix this problem. How do you improve small talk stills? I don't know. But I do know that I will keep trying and keep making a fool of myself over and over until I get it right. And most likely, it will never get easy. There will be times when I will prefer to sit and people-watch instead of talk with them. And if you see me doing that, don't assume I think I'm better than those people. Don't assume I don't want to have conversation. Just know that I will gladly talk to you if you come over and engage me, because I just haven't found the proper way to engage myself yet.



Let me know of any advice you have, or if you suffer from the same problem. I would love to hear from you!