Nostalgia... and ramblings. I warned you. Really, you don't have to read this if it bores you. I'll post something more interesting soon.

I really have been trying to post more often. Really. Its just that it was finals week this week (yeah, weird high school semesters) and I had to study and stuff. Four day weekend now, though! :) I've been feeling very nostalgic lately. I'm not really sure why. Actually I'm not even sure if thats the word I'm really looking for. Maybe it is. Either way, it kinda works. I guess. I'm trying to be more observant to the world around me. Trying to understand people and why they do things certain ways.
I've been missing a very good friend of mine, EB lately. I really just want to talk to her. To see her again, as its been years. She still has no idea what she means to me, what she meant to me all those summers ago.

It's still hard to grasp that I'm a junior now, even though its been a whole semester. Half of me is itching to get out of here, to make my mark on the world, to discover who I really am. The other half wants to curl up under my covers, go back to eight grade and never grow up. I'm so happy that C moved back to the area, but I'm crying that S is moving to Spain in a few months. She's been my best friend for thirteen years. I'm going to miss her like none other.

And I miss JS. I felt so close to her at camp this year. I felt like I could tell her anything. But then she never responded to my texts anymore, and whatever little thing we had fell apart. But I still miss her. I guess it wasn't uncalled for. We barely knew each other, and she went back to her college life and her friends, and I was only one kid in a summer of kids for her. But I long for a mentor type person like her. And then whenever I think of that, I think of L, and how I really wish we could be closer. That I could have her for a mentor. That I could go to coffee with her and talk and tell her everything I think she ought to know about me. But she's starting her family, and I know thats more important right now, but I miss what might have happened had it all gone different. What, I'm not sure. But something.

For some odd reason, one I can't even begin to justify, I start missing a certain someone M whom I have never even met, only had indirect contact with. I almost met M once, but nothing happened. I wish something had. I wonder how I can miss someone so much when I haven't even met me, and I know for sure that they don't even know who I am. I thought for months that I gave up M, telling God to do with these teenage girlish longings what he wanted. And for a while I thought I had changed, nothing would ever come of it, and I was totally cool with that. But then I started thinking about this person again and again, and for no apparent reason, all the old feelings are back. I try to tell God, "take these longings if they are not from you", but nothing changes, and I'm lost confused and missing something I've never known.

I'm struggling with trust. And yet somehow, I manage to give everything up without much of a care these days. I honestly don't know where my life is even remotely headed. But somehow, I'm almost ok with that. Wow that was a lot of rambling. Kudos to you who make it this far. And don't forget to comment, if you have anything at all to say.